Fundraiser giving "a face" to domestic abuse

Monday 04 April 2022

A woman who has experienced domestic abuse is running a half marathon to raise money for Safer, who provided her with “support that is second to none”.

Clara Coleman decided to share her story to help raise awareness of domestic abuse and break the taboo of talking about the issue, which affects one in three women and one in six men.

Clara said she understood why most victims of domestic abuse do not speak about their experiences.

Pictured: Clara Coleman decided to share her experience of domestic abuse in the hopes of helping other victims. 

“The problem with talking about domestic abuse is that it is so incredibly sensitive,” said Clara.

“I have decided to share my story because I really want to give something back to Safer and, through trying to fundraise, I have realised that it’s hard to get attention for a charity without a story. Most other charities, which are also completely worthwhile and in need of support, have stories to go along with fundraising efforts.  

“There is a lot of shame and complex, sensitive emotions about domestic abuse and I hope that sharing my story will make it easier to understand. Also, it is often the case that people may not have recognised that they are experiencing domestic abuse so it’s about trying to unravel the issue.

“We need to allow victims to feel like they can talk about their experiences. It might be that someone else will recognise their own experiences in someone else’s story.”

Clara said that domestic abuse is particularly difficult to talk about in Guernsey.

“It is 100% true that it is harder to talk about this issue in Guernsey because of the size of our community; this is such a small island and everyone has an opinion and there is a real sense as a victim that you also don’t want the abuser to feel bad about themselves,” she said.

Clara continued: “I am very conscious that I still talk to my abuser and they live in Guernsey and reputations are very important here. I think one of the reasons Safer’s work is not very well known is because domestic abuse issues are brushed under the carpet here".

Clara said she had initially been apprehensive about sharing her story.

“Often the problem with domestic abuse is that the abuser is someone who is close to the victim... no matter what happened, you still love that person and you don’t want them to be upset,” she said.

“A lot of the time, an abuser is struggling with things themselves and there’s a reason why they are abusive to others. I think that’s why victims usually have a lot of empathy; they can see what other people might be going through.

“I am very sensitive to the fact that I don’t want to shame my abuser, sharing my story is to highlight that people who need support should get it. Taking about what’s happened is not about blaming the abuser and wanting everyone to hate them, it’s about your own mental health and saying that you need support.

“I still love the person who abused me, I care about them and want them to be happy and healthy, but I also need to acknowledge what has happened to me and process it. I want other people who might not know they’re being abused, or maybe don’t think they’re entitled to support, to know that Safer can help.”

Pictured: Clara has praised the services of Guernsey's domestic abuse charity Safer. 

Clara explained that she didn’t recognise the extent of the domestic abuse she suffered because it was all she had known.

“Abuse is a very strong word and people might immediately think of physical abuse; the domestic abuse I experienced was, for the most part, verbal, emotional and mental,” she said.

“My abuser suffers from alcoholism and, even though they were abusive, you are always aware that they are also going through their own issues and illness. My abuser didn’t get the help they needed and it’s such a sensitive issue that no one wanted to intervene in the situation.”

Pictured: Clara as a young child. 

Clara explained that it is often not easy for domestic abuse victims to leave their abusers.

“A lot of people think why victims don’t just leave, but it’s never that simple. There are also situations where a victim leaves but then goes back, that’s often where victim blaming comes in,” she said.

“It is impossible for anyone who hasn’t experienced abuse to understand the manipulation that happens. There are many reasons why an abused person might go back, including financial reasons."

Clara said she was surprised how quickly the charity offered support.

“Safer has a 24-hour helpline and everything happened so quickly. I called on a Sunday and I had a meeting arranged for a risk assessment that week, they arranged a case worker so I had a point of contact at all times.

"They gave me an alarm and alerted the police to the situation. I didn’t have to do anything, they also assigned me a police officer... It gave me compete peace of mind."

Pictured: Clara said she did not realise the extent of the abuse she suffered until engaging with Safer.

Safer assessed the domestic abuse Clara experienced as being high risk.

“Until that assessment was done, I hadn’t recognised how bad the domestic abuse had been,” she said.

“The questions in the assessment really get you thinking about what has actually happened. I think, as a form of self-protection, your brain forgets a lot of stuff that happens to you, but the questions made me think about what the behaviour had been like every day.

“Historically, people tend to think that abuse has to be physical to be the most dangerous but that’s not the case. The knock-on effect of emotional abuse is significant and impacts a victim’s entire life. A lot of people don’t understand that, but Safer does.  

“I have been to a lot of therapists over the years in an attempt to try and process everything that happened to me, but I’ve never had people who just completely understood and believed me and validated my emotions until I engaged with Safer.”

Pictured: Clara hopes sharing her story will help her fundraise for Safer. 

A driving force for Clara sharing her story was to make islanders aware of Safer’s services.

“Until I was told about Safer I had no idea the charity even existed. I had a friend who had used their services when she was in an abusive relationship, but she had referred to it as the women’s refuge so I didn’t think that was a service relevant to our circumstances,” she said.

“Safer helps both women and men. I would encourage anyone who is suffering domestic abuse, or who has experienced it in the past, to contact Safer. It is the most confidential and supportive service I have ever used.

“Even if the abuse was decades ago, you can still access the services. They offer vindication for victims and free counselling that a lot of people would really benefit from.

“If you are in danger, please contact Safer because the protection and support they provide is second to none and it’s immediate. Take the leap, especially if children are involved. I know it’s such a big step but I also know first-hand that you will be supported and knowing that is so reassuring.”

Pictured: Clara said anyone can access Safer's services, even "decades" after abuse. 

Clara will be undertaking the Jersey Cannacord half marathon in June to raise money for the charity.

“I met with Safer with my employer to discuss their funding needs and my jaw dropped to the floor when I realised how much they are doing on such little resources. They are incredibly underfunded and need a lot of help,” she said.

“I am aiming to raise £1,000 to try and give something back to the charity which has helped me so much. They do fantastic work and their service is absolutely essential. Domestic abuse can cause a ripple effect of countless other problems including homelessness, drug and alcohol abuse and mental health problems. Safer can act as a stopper to those issues.

“It’s also a problem in Guernsey that relatives are expected to step in and help, but it’s a huge responsibility and a lot to ask of someone and it’s something that shouldn’t be the only option. It's not always possible for family to be the solution.

“I am trying to raise as much as I can and also raise awareness of this organisation and give a face to a story of domestic abuse.”

You can donate to Clara’s fundraising campaign HERE.

Pictured: Clara hopes to raise £1,000 for Safer.